When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
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Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
5 ways to appear taller
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
If only.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food