When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
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My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”