When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
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I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife