when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
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Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude