When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
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I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
BaD BoY!!
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Candles never taste the way they smell
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.