When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
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I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs