When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
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Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Ion see the issue
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.