When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
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Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
🙂🐾
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
just gave your address to some spiders
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you