When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
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Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
There is wisdom there.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months