happy mother’s day❤️
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*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Go girl power!
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
SCARY COSTUME
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.