If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
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I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
This is a sub tweet
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot