@jennalynn518: Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it's Barney.
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@NotThatKevin: I said my wife's name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet's empty...
@SoVeryBritish: Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says "I'm going to have to cancel tonight"
@monicaheisey: "the uk couldn't POSSIBLY leave" "trump couldn't POSSIBLY be president" "we couldn't POSSIBLY start eating each other out of necessity"