@jennalynn518: Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it's Barney.
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@simoncholland: Like on Amazon or in our house? [My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
@breadzeppellin: Damn girl are you Schrodinger's cat cos you're in a box and all these nerds are talking about you? Sir have some respect this is a funeral.
@TomTheWicked: Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game? Me: because mommy isn't there to do it.
@jonnysun: "911 wats ur emergency" hi-- huh? um-- so, uh-- ah. oh geez. well im only just now realizimg that the girl at the bar gave me a fake number