@jennalynn518: Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it's Barney.
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@stuckinaportal: [mastercard commercial] "there are some things that money can't buy" politician: i don't get it
@shariv67: The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
@tchrquotes: Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die. Me: So? You're going to die, and he had you.
@ImKevinito: Wifey is pregnant again. She wants a girl but I want a black guy so I have someone to play basketball with.