Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Krampus.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?