Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
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Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney