Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
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[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself