Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
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Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Everything reminds me of my ex
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food