Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it. If he's not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I'm going home.

@TurboJellyBean: I know Pluto isn't a planet you moron. Pluto's a dog.

71

@nathandeschaine: Jurassic Park (1993): An old man with ungodly amounts of money doesn't have any common sense.

2

@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She thinks I make bad decisions "He picked a fight with a raccoon" HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

1

@hippieswordfish: *swallows pride* *reads the label* 'this pride may contain nuts* oh no *swells with pride*

73

@Phook75: The upside to having kids is how you're able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans

1

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