@GetCougarized: Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he's not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I'm going home.
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@InternetHippo: COP: The killer wrote a message on the victim's mirror ME: You can't prove it was me COP: It was written in Dorito dust ME: I want a lawyer
@In_Twittaland: 1% battery..... Because I like to live on the
@TheDeducers: Tombstone: Here lies Houdini 2nd Tombstone: Now I'm over here
@megan_stuhr: Want to piss your girlfriend off? Text her "He's busy." and turn off your phone.
@seamussaid: hey Disney-Pixar here's an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
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