Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
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Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.