@ewfeez: Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, "you're not my real hen!" and run away
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@jlock17: I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I'm down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
@ericsshadow: [flying remote control helicopter near my wife] GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY- [helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I'm a dead person]
@Donna_McCoy: Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight. Me: Then what? Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it. Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.