@BakwasRadio: Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
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@1Happytwit: You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it's cheaper and much more effective.
@justabloodygame: If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
@Brianhopecomedy: A conversation between 2 vegans: "I'm a vegan." "I'm a vegan too." "Oh." "So...you're a vegan?" "Yes, I am a vegan." "Me too."
@secondofhername: Lawyer: As My Lord knows,... Judge: Don't presume I know it, counsel. Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know...