whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
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Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk