@prodigis: whenever a song says put your hands in the air i do it on the spot. i have fun and also an alarming vehicle collision record
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@Humor_Fetish: Friend: "Did you bring condoms?" Me: "No need. If I'm drunk enough to talk to a girl, I'm way too drunk to get it up."
@curlymalloy: Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???... Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
@samfromks: Wife: Why the hell did you buy a buffalo? Me: I'd rather have a buffalo and not need it than need a buffalo and not have it.
@CommonSavant: I use my neighbor's outdoor jacuzzi for bubble bath time with my cat. I'd invite him, but my cat's funny about bathing with strangers.