[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
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One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I put the mess in domestic.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?