Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
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[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Same pineapple, same
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”