Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
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“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb