@markleggett: Whenever a woman tells me that she just wants to have a good time and sleep with me, I say "You can only pick one."
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@BlindVigil: Q: "How long were you at your last job?" A: "Seven-and-a-half inches... same as now"
@Rollmaninoz: *coworker drinks coffee I made them* Me: I poisoned your coffee… Coworker: WHAT? Me:…with love! Coworker: oh haha me: The love for murder
@Shanehasabeard: Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don't have to do that but I still also do that?