@markleggett: Whenever a woman tells me that she just wants to have a good time and sleep with me, I say "You can only pick one."
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@MrT1M: Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
@jonnysun: *explosiom of light* *univrse is created* *earth forms* *plants grow* *a grape fals off a vine adn drys* evreythimg hapens for a raisin
@Ygrene: [first date] DATE: so you love dogs? ME: yes, I relate to them very much DATE: aww that's swee- [a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]