[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
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My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!