Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
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Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.