Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
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Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
#gardening
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Me too 😆
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.