I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
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astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal