Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
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Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.