Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
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Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“The Perfect Relationship”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.