whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
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Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Come back with a warrant
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”