@blainecapatch: whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he's taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
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@MikeOdenthal: Think about how many variations of apple there would be had they not mercy-killed the pineapple guy before he could name more fruits
@abysmalkittybee: I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they'll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Guinea pigs aren't real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.