@blainecapatch: whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he's taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
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@ventivodkacran: I have too much stuff in my closet, so no one can be certain Tom Cruise isn't hanging out in there, too.
@BadAssB48546279: Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don't trust ChristianMingle.
@wickedsuga: Stop being so hard on yourself. You don't have to be a complete idiot. Just be the best idiot you can be.
@twylaredsun: Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it's not doing its job