@blainecapatch: whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he's taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
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@kristygee: I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
@DaddyJew: Your son has been suspended "for what?" He hit a kid who was picking on another child "so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?"
@ThisOneSayz: Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don't eat meat! Me: don't forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!