Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
You Might Also Like
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
forgive me baja for i have blast
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco