Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
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Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”