Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
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Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Seek kebab; not attention
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
nothing saves money like being antisocial
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?