Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
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Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.