@HavocMantis: Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
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@ThaJawn: (prostate exam) Dr: WOW! I've never seen this before Me: OMG! WHAT *loud click Me: DID YOU JUST TAKE A SELFIE Dr:.. And send Me: WTF?
@RandiLawson: We've replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump's speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let's see if he notices
@BoogTweets: Me: if I'm not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open* Her: um you're not wearing the costume Me: pretty strong though