Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
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The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.