@NotUrGumar: Whenever I feel like I'm a weirdo, I remember they put little panties on peaches in Japan & I don't feel so bad
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@Snarfernini: 911: What's your emergency? Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?! 911: Be cool Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead
@thenoahkinsey: I peeled off the sticker that said "Don't consume alcohol while on medication." I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.
@GaryJanetti: Thinking of adopting a child. What color should I get? Keep in mind my walls are eggshell and cinnamon.
@SteveSackington: I'm not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.