Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
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To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move