Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
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If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…