@MomOnFire: Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there's like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
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@bobvulfov: WAITER: how was everything ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
@nowarranty: If I say, "Don't worry, I'm on it," there's a 98% chance I'm referring to my couch.
@zachreinert03: What i do in my bedroom is my business, what I do in your bedroom ok I guess that's your business