Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
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SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from