Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
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[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
nobody’s gonna understand
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?