@rolldiggity: Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
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@iwearaonesie: So important your wife knows you're petting the dog when she hears you say "you're getting a little chunky"
@KKAlThani: When I'm at a friend's house & there are snacks, all I'm thinking is "How do I eat everything without looking like a homeless person?"
@NoTheOtherJohn: Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like? Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
@TheToddWilliams: [Japan] HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste? *distant Godzilla noises*