@rolldiggity: Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
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@withanewname: [shopping] [wife being a real pain] Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
@deardilettante: If I were Cinderella, I wouldn't have settled for a guy who couldn't even remember what my face looked like.
@jonnysun: hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city is the joker stil in jail-- sory-- i mean-- u look so prety yes u do batman is not as cool as u
@Ideal_Victoria: Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.