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them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.