i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
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No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I’d … I’d rather not.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”