@dafloydsta: Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
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@HappyHijabbi: *Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt* This one doesn't listen anymore...Can I get a new one?
@SteveSuckington: [first date] "You're not into anything weird right?" -not at all *gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
@bestlizard: A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.