Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
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Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.