Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
You Might Also Like
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
If snakes were wide
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad