Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos