I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
You Might Also Like
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.