@Tmoney68: Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won't talk on the phone? GF: What? M: A Guy-no-call-ogist. GF: I'm killing u in ur sleep tonight.

@PoliUncorrect: Pharmacist: need any help? Me: Yes, I'd like whatever Oprah was on when she gave each and every audience member a car

@batsVsupes:

@cigarin: I don't just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.

@KalvinMacleod: A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.