@JenAshleyWright: Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that's your ghost outfit forever.

@megan_stuhr: Want to piss your girlfriend off? Text her "He's busy." and turn off your phone.

@bornmiserable: Jay Z: Can I get a what what? Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you? Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

@FSUSteve: Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who's not Employee of the Month.

@KeetPotato: [firemen meeting] if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker *from back* "why dont we just sit downstairs?"