@jakelikesonions: Jogging

@SonOfCha: Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I'm tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

@trevso_electric: "Smells fresh. Like a tropical island." "Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family's been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!"

@markydoodoo: [inventing the pelican] god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

@The_Sculptress: The only double penetrating I'll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.